Social Cushioning - when will we have equal communicative labour?

I don’t think people realise the cost of the social cushioning. Making people feel comfortable when just being direct takes so much energy. Energy we don’t always have.

I am not being rude; I just am not actively making you feel comfortable. – This was the best thing I ever read, and it resonates so much at times. Especially when others cause dysregulation in us, yet we are supposed to make them feel comfortable and unaccountable.

I really feel like this today – There is a multitude of build-ups, chipping away the social-cushioning that is so much demanded in neuro-majority communication.

So when a situation happens (I'm going to use an actual recent interaction, which is a good example of this) which includes an appointment (not work-based) being missed, with language used like, ‘I would arrive 5 minutes before I finish work’, and ‘are you happy to reschedule’, the double empathy problem kicks in full force, because it’s not ok to reschedule actually, so that question is loaded, intended for us to feel the need to comply. But I do not. So now what?

Responding honestly, without social cushioning, that this actually isn’t ok and has left us inconvenienced, leads to relationship ruptures and accusations of a lack of empathy and inappropriateness. It’s exhausting. The expectation for smiles, ‘no-problems’, is not authentic, and inauthenticity takes energy from our systems bit-by-bit. All for the comfort of others, at a sacrifice of our own. No wonder we burn out at such high rates (National Autistic Society).

And then, of course, with being faced with ableist language… here comes our friend RSD to join the party, to make us feel like we are the worst person in the world, and the one in the wrong. Rumination starts, sleep gets disrupted, the nervous system is activated, dopamine seeking gets triggered, and now it’s going to take two days of cognitive restructuring and body regulation to return to baseline. But rationally, let's reflect – wrong for what? Rude? - No. Aggressive? - No. Demanding? - No. In reality - just being honest about the situational affect and asserting boundaries: fundermentally not saying, "Everything is fine," with a smile.

It’s dysregulating to demand conversations from us when you wish to talk, to rearrange appointments without any warning, when it takes our whole system to put that appointment in place: requiring behavioural and script rehearsing, time paralysis, environment accommodations, and recovery time afterwards. It's dysregulating to phone us out of the blue, or attend properties without prior notice, and it’s absolutely not ok to tone police without recognition of the situation that caused the harm in the first place.

But this is just one real scenario I wanted to share, in a line of constant social expectation to fit the masses, and the judgment and deficit language associated with a communication style that does not fit the majority design. I understand some will be, ‘well you just can’t be going around being rude’ – but I would again, absolutely categorically, die-on-this-hill, state that this is an ableist mindset which uses deficit language to describe a communication style that is direct without social cushioning. It is not rude – it is a difference, and many of us prefer to communicate this way. If the first email had said, sorry we are going to miss you, I fully appreciate arranging this meeting would have taken energy and resources you may not have had, and I can come, but I can’t stay long, or we could rearrange, etc – then we would have had a very different interaction – and I would argue (based on the double empathy problem) two autistic people would have communicated like this, knowing how a missed appointment would of potentially affected the other, and would have acknowledged the dysregulation without defensiveness and ableist language. I say this with confidence, as I am lucky to work with ND people, where these interactions exist naturally, respectfully, and lovingly.

Today, I recognise, there is a lot, though, so this blog post is coming from on top of many processing and emotional states. Hormones, internalised ableism, RSD, tiredness, an ill cat, tabs open that are louder than others, so my capacity for others’ social comfort is limited, and as i have just explored, thia can come with judgements, relationship ruptures, and pointed fingers, itching to use tone to defend against feeling any concequential shame.

Sometimes, we just need a quiet room, loud music, and to be left the f alone to recharge socially and gather our confidence back to know that our communication style does not mean we are the worst type of people because we didn’t tick that ‘socially-polite box’ many people would prefer honesty to be wrapped in.

I am so lucky to be surrounded by fellow NDers who get this – thank you 😊

I feel like I want to make a badge/pin, that offers a scale grade for the number of spoons I have to make my communication style fluffy for the social-majority.

When is it going to be equal labour?

National Autistic Society. “Masking.” Autism.org.uk, 2026, www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/behaviour/masking.

** please expect some grammar and spelling errors... my ADHD thrives on them ✌️