I know you may want advice - but why I (counsellors) don't give it

As a counsellor, I sit there and I listen, I absorb, I hear. I hear what you don’t. Why? Because I am removed, I am impartial and I am non-judgmental. I hear patterns, similarities, but most importantly, I hear pain, and the ‘should’ messages. I hear the learnt you who you feel you should be, and I hear the authentic you. I hear where you have absorbed a message that isn’t yours. Such as ‘I’m annoying’, ‘I’m lazy’, ‘I’m not a good person’, and together we explore where these have come from. I even hear the much more subtle ones, especially when they are attached to such an overwhelming feeling: that sudden emotional pain you feel, that agonising reaction, the one that comes from the gut, the one that’s not rational – and we explore that. I hear, and help you to hear, your words, your feelings, your options, and whose voice is saying the ‘should’, because it’s not yours.

It takes time. I am not here to tell you how you feel, or what you think – but help you explore it. Those little glimmers of internalised shame, those glimmers of pain, those overwhelming feelings that come up as we go about our lives between sessions – even if they don’t show up in the sessions as we explore them. There seems to be such pressure to ‘feel’ in sessions – like it’s supposed to be tapped into, felt as an explosion of feelings, and then everything will be ok – even counsellors feel this pressure – that if a client is not expressing and getting in touch with their emotion, then no change will happen. However, in my 18 years of experience, especially working with autistic people, this is simply not true. We can’t ignore that we, as autistic people, and especially ADHD, feel things very intensely, and feeling them has been learnt as very scary and uncontainable for some, so they have to manage bit by bit throughout their day!! So, asking them to go there, you'd better be ready with strategies to manage dysregulation. Also, we can be authentically cognitive beings, and we like to explore and understand. To understand our inner voice, the ‘should’ messages, and our inner-child wounds/pain through knowledge and reflection, and then to use this knowledge for self-acceptance while utilising self-soothing strategies to manage emotions when they arise in daily life. Doing counselling a specific way can be another shame stick to beat ourselves with, for counsellors and clients alike. But anyway, I am going off topic. What I wanted to talk about is what counselling is not, but what people often want it to be, and can’t understand why it isn’t.

What it’s not is – advice, and telling you what to do. Let's be honest, mainly because telling you what to do and offering advice, and then you can’t, or don’t do it, continues the shame cycle. If I tell you how a fully actualised, ‘perfect autistic person’ (doesn’t exist by the way) would do something, and you then can’t do it, how would you feel? I know I would feel a sense of failure. Now, I fully understand the drive and need to feel better, as well as the desire to be given the perfect solution, but that’s not what therapy is about. It needs to go at a pace where damage is not going to be caused – your pace. Now don’t get me wrong, I can offer you strategies to explore and try, for example you are find it hard to start a piece of work, or tidy the house – I can say, have you tried, xyz – or reading this book, or asking AI (AI is great for asking for advice – NOT AS A THERAPIST THOUGH, that’s my job, because I will challenge you, AI will not – it colludes. But again, that is another post). But what if you are not in that space to use strategies? You may think you want some advice, but being given it can not only initiate the drive for autonomy but also continue the sense of shame when you can’t or won’t do it. We don’t want advice; we want to feel better. But, of course, we do; that is natural. I have every faith that when you have the capacity and are ready, you will find your own strategies. For example, sometimes, we actually need to rest and not to start that project, but our internalised voice (which is not ours) is telling us we need to be productive, we need to be doing, and to stop being ‘lazy’ – and that’s where I come in, to help you recognise why you are not authentically doing what’s best for you; what have you learnt that is not yours that is driving you to do things you don’t actually want to do, and work to change these ‘should’ messages. It’s all about exploring what’s best for you. You are a unique person; you have had your own experiences, you have your own likes and interests that are uniquely you. You have had your own conditions and values imposed on you growing up, which you have shaped yourself around to feel loved and regarded, and that you want to recognise and undo. What works for one person, may not, and probably will not, work for you. So if I offer you advice on how Bob did it, and you can’t do that, all we are doing is destroying our relationship, making you feel worse and essentially demolishing the safe space we have built between us: and if you feel judged by me, or feel you have let me down, then our therapeutic space is no longer safe and non-judgemental. So, while I really do understand that some may really want my advice, this is why I do not give it. BUT, I will listen, I will challenge, I will reflect on what I hear, and together we will figure out what you want to do and what you feel able to do (which will grow and change through time, knowledge and self-compassion). Counselling is insight-based*

*if you want action and advice – maybe consider a life coach! But please be mindful, life coaches are not regulated and have not gone through the rigorous training that counsellors (should) have – but they will tell you what to do.